What If… The News of the World Hacked Calcio?

As a result of the News of the World phone hacking affair, celebrities are wondering, more than ever, what the media knows about them.

If a similar scandal occurred in Italy, you could bet your bottom dollar that many familiar faces of calcio would be sweating over what their friends, colleagues and acquaintances may have said in their phone messages.

In this article I imagine what dirty secrets would be uncovered if La Gazzetta dello Sport or another newspaper hacked into the mobile phones of Serie A personalities. Please note: No Luciano Moggi jokes included.

Chat

Pierluigi Collina: new message

Ciao Luigi, Massimo from Inter here. Have you read what La Gazzetta has been saying about me? Awful, isn’t it? I’m telling you, we earned that 06 Scudetto. It’s not as if our team was undeserving of it. We had Zanetti and… Adriano… anyway, I’m boycotting La Gazzetta. Never liked it anyway. Can’t take a pink newspaper seriously. Say, Luigi, we play Milan on the 15^th of January. Any chance we could have Nicola Rizzoli for that one? Grazie mille.

Simone Bentivoglio: new message

Hi Simone, it’s Daniele De Rossi. I’m really sorry about what happened in the disco last night. That’s twice I’ve caught you in the face now. I was trying to make it up to you for the first time but in retrospect the twist wasn’t the best dance to do. The same thing happened when I invited Brian McBride out. Anyway, let’s do it again sometime. Or maybe not.

Retail

Gökhan Inler: 2 new messages

1. Good afternoon Mr Inler, I’m from Pepe’s Joke Shop. You inquired about returning a lion mask? You said you had never worn it and had no use for it. Well, I’m sorry, Mr Inler, but the staff and I all saw your presentation at Napoli – we’re football fans too, you know – so the claim that you have never used it is clearly a fabrication. Thank you.
2. Good evening Mr Inler, Pepe’s Joke Shop again. I am not an idiot. Don’t think you are fooling anyone by claiming that was a real lion. I am aware that Mr De Laurentiis is outspoken but he is no Luciano Gaucci.    Hang on… Napoli interested in Amauri?  Perhaps I underestimated your president. Anyway, have a good evening.

Mario Balotelli: new message

Hi Mario, Calcio Megastore calling. You asked about the latest Milan football kit: it’s in stock now. Hope to hear from you soon.

Services

Kevin-Prince Boateng: new message

Hello Mr Boateng. I am from Stella Entertainment, a company specialising in wedding services based in Milan. It was brought to my attention that you are skilled in performing Michael Jackson’s dance routine. I would like to invite you to represent our company at an upcoming wedding. Our clients are huge Milan and Jackson fans and would be delighted to have you perform. They are particularly enthusiastic about Jackson’s post-1987 works. We would provide the white face paint, wig and novelty lips. I hope to hear from you soon.

Silvio Berlusconi: new message

Hey big boy, Letizia Lollipop here. I will be round at 8 in costume. Ciao for now!

Transfer dealings

Adriano Galliani:  2 new messages

1. Zamparini here. Listen, I don’t want to see my Pastore leave Italy. I’ve grown attached to him… How about a cash plus Cassano deal for him? Always liked that little rascal, he’ll give us 30, no, 40 goals a season. Just like Luca Toni used to do… oh God, why do I sell all my best players? Dentist at half past two… Javier isn’t going to Milan, you know. He’s moving abroad. You’re a disgraceful club; your boss spends all his money on prostitutes. Cassano is an arrogant, disrespectful young man. Like Amauri. But all would be forgiven if Amauri would just come back. I would make him feel loved. Lovely morning. Anyway, Pastore is yours for €40 million. No, make it €4 million.
2. Hey slaphead, De Laurentiis here. What do you mean, you don’t want to exploit Ezequiel Lavezzi’s BUY-OUT CLAUSE? The guy’s a legend, he should be playing for a bigger team, and he even has a €31 million BUY-OUT CLAUSE! And you’re saying you don’t want him even though he has a BUY-OUT CLAUSE? You’re a disgrace. You make me ashamed to be Italian. I’m going to leave Napoli and go back into making films, all because of you. In fact, I’m not even going to do that. I’m going to get on my friend’s motorbike, and we’re going to drive right into the bloody sea. You piece of sh**. I’m putting the phone down now.  €31 MILLION BUY-OUT CLAUSE!

Javier Pastore: new message

Javier, where did it go wrong between us? You can’t leave. I’ve valued your right foot alone at €30 million. That’s not a joke – I really would sell it. If you can’t play for us, I don’t want you to play for anyone else either. Don’t think I didn’t notice the longing glances at Barcelona replica shirts when we went shopping. It hurt me but I tried to ignore it because I thought we’d be together forever. You always were spoilt. You’d scrounge meals off me, then high-tail it to some nightclub. I must buy a new hairdryer this evening; hopefully the shops will still be open. Where was I? Oh yes. You can leave if you want. To Spain, to England, even somewhere else in Italy. But there’ll always be a place for you here. You’ve never asked for much. Must go now, please think it through. Ciao ciao.

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